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ABDUCTION,* n. In law, a crime; in morals, a punishment.
ABDUCTION,* n. A species of invitation without permission. See KIDNAP.
"You act as if you were given," said she, "To abduction - but pray do not kidnap me." "Oh, well," said that bold and impenitent chap, "You're the kind of kid I should like to nap."[FT]
ABET,* v.t. To encourage in crime, as to aid poverty with pennies. [FT]
ABJECT,* adj. Innocent of income; without estate; devoid of good clothing [FT]
ABUNDANCE,* n. A means, under Providence, of withholding alms from the destitute. [FT]
ACCOMPLICE,* n. Your partner in business.
ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a fee for assenting. [FT]
ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous. [FT]
ACQUIT,* v.t. To render judgement in a murder case in San Francisco. [FT]
ADDRESS,* n. 1 A formal discourse, usually delivered to a person who has something by a person who wants something that he has. 2. The place at which one receives the delicate attention of creditors. [FT]
ADHERENT, n. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get. [FT]
ADMINISTRATION, n. An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. A man of straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting. [FT]
ADVICE, n. The smallest current coin.
"The man was in such deep distress,"
Said Tom, "that I could do no less
Than give him good advice." Said Jim:
"If less could have been done for him
I know you well enough, my son,
To know that's what you would have done."
Jebel Jocordy
[FT]
AGITATOR, n. A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors - to dislodge the worms. [FT]
AGRARIAN,* n. A politician who carries his real estate under his nails. A son of the soil who, like Aeneas, carries his father on his person. [FT]
AIR, n. A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor. [FT]
ALL,* n. Every single cent - except what you have kept out for yourself. [FT]
This thing Allegiance, as I suppose,
Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose,
Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed
To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed.
G.J.
[FT]
AMBITION, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. [FT]
A MENSA ET THORO.* (Latin, "from bed and board") A term of the divorce courts, but more properly applied to a man who has been kicked out of his hotel. [FT]
AMNESTY, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish. [FT]
APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw. [FT]
APPETITE, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question. [FT]
APPLE,* n. A fruit, for eating which the first man was justly turned out of Paradise. For, the first apple being a crab-apple, the first man was an idiot for eating it. [FT]
ARISTOCRACY, n. Government by the best men. (In this sense the word is obsolete; so is that kind of government.) Fellows that wear downy hats and clean shirts -- guilty of education and suspected of bank accounts. [FT]
ARRAYED, pp. Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioter hanged to a lamppost. [FT]
ARREST, v. t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness.
God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.
The Unauthorized Version
[FT]
ATTORNEY,* n. A person legally appointed to mismanage one's affairs which one has not himself the skill to rightly mismanage. [FT]
BALLOT,* n. A simple divice by which a majority proves to a minority the folly of resistance. Many worthy persons of imperfect thinking apparatus believe that majorities govern through some inherent right; and minorities submit, not because they must, but because they ought. [FT]
BARRISTER,* n. One of the ten thousand varieties of the genus Lawyer. In England the functions of a barrister are distinct from those of a solicitor. The one advises, the other executes; but the thing advised and the thing executed is the client. [FT]
BED-QUILT,* n. The exterior covering of a bed. Sometimes called Charity. [FT]
BEG, v. To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the belief that it will not be given.
Who is that, father?
A mendicant, child,
Haggard, morose, and unaffable - wild!
See how he glares through the bars of his cell!
With Citizen Mendicant all is not well.
Why did they put him there, father?
Because
Obeying his belly he struck at the laws.
His belly?
Oh, well, he was starving, my boy -
A state in which, doubtless, there's little of joy.
No bite had he eaten for days, and his cry
Was "Bread!" ever "Bread!"
What's the matter with pie?
With little to wear, he had nothing to sell;
To beg was unlawful - improper as well.
Why didn't he work?
He would even have done that,
But men said: "Get out!" and the State remarked: "Scat!"
I mention these incidents merely to show
That the vengeance he took was uncommonly low.
Revenge, at the best, is the act of a Siou.
But for trifles -
Pray what did bad Mendicant do?
Stole two loaves of bread to replenish his lack
And tuck out the belly that clung to his back.
Is that all father dear?
There's little to tell:
They sent him to jail, and they'll send him to - well,
The company's better than here we can boast,
And there's -
Bread for the needy, dear father?
Um - toast.
Atka Mip
[FT]
BEGGAR,* n. A pest unkindly inflicted upon the suffering rich.
BEGGAR, n. One who has relied on the assistance of his friends. [FT]
BEGGARY,* n. The condition of one who has relied on the co-operation of his friends. [FT]
BENEVOLENCE,* n. Subscribing five dollars toward the relief of one's aged grandfather in the alms house, and publishing it in the newspaper. [FT]
BOUNDARY,* n. In politics, the imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other. Among the ancients the god of boundaries was Terminus, and it was customary to set up busts of him (Termini) as corner-stones. This is noted as an illustration of how the unconscious hoodlum and the gentle ignoramus come to talk the learned languages. [FT] [FT*]
BRIBE,* n. That which enables a member of the Californian Legislature to live on his pay without any dishonest economies. [FT]
CANDIDATE,* n.
One who by the advice of his friends reluctantly consents to
sacrifice his private interests to the public good.
This word comes from the same root as "candid" and "candy,"
originally signifying white. It was formerly supposed to be an
allusion to the Athenian method of selecting a nominee by a
white ballot, but later researches of that eminent philologist,
Professor Ned Townsend, show that it marks the survival of the
political aspirant's custom of giving taffy.
[FT]
CATERPILLAR,* n. the capitalist of insects before he gets his start in life. [FT]
CENTAUR, n. One of a race of persons who lived before the division of labor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and who followed the primitive economic maxim, "Every man his own horse." The best of the lot was Chiron, who to the wisdom and virtues of the horse added the fleetness of man. The scripture story of the head of John the Baptist on a charger shows that pagan myths have somewhat sophisticated sacred history. [FT]
CHINAMAN,* n. A working man whose faults are docility, skill, industry, frugality, and temperance, and whom we clamour to be forbidden by law to employ; whose labor opens countless avenues of employment to the whites and cheapens the necessities of life to the poor; to whom the squalor of poverty is imputed as a congenial vice, exciting not compassion but resentment.
It's very rough to fine a man For stoning of a Chinaman. Candidate[FT]
CHIVALRY,* n. That wing of the Democratic party that has all the plumes. The other wing raises the wind for the bird to fly. [FT]
CLIENT,* n. A person who has made the customary choice between the two methods of being legally robbed. [FT]
COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E. [FT]
COMMON-LAW,* n. The will and pleasure of the judge. [FT]
COMPUNCTION,* (Lat.con, against, and punctum, a point.) The remorse of an offender who has "kicked against the pricks," as the scripture hath it.
They say 'tis conscience feels compunction; I hold that that's the stomach's function. For of the sinner I have noted That when he's sinned he's somewhat bloated, Or ill some other ghastly fashion Within that bowel of compassion. 'Tis true. I think the only sinner Is he that eats a shabby dinner. You know how Adam, with good reason, For eating apples out of season, was "cursed." But that is all symbolic - The truth is, Adam got the colic.[FT]
CONCESSION,* n. A lowering of one's guard to elicit an adversary's ill-conisdered thrust. [FT]
CONGRESS, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws. [FT]
CONSERVATIVE, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others. [FT]
CORPORATION, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. [FT]
CORRUPT,* adj. In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. [FT]
COURT FOOL, n. The plaintiff. [FT]
CREDITOR, n. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions. [FT]
CULPRIT,* n. The other fellow. [FT]
DAD,* n. A father whom his vulgar children do not respect. [FT]
DEBTOR,* n. A worthy person, in whose interest the national finances should be so managed as to depreciate the national currency. [FT]
DEFAULTER,* n. An important officer in a bank, who commonly adds to his regular functions the duties of cashier. [FT]
DEFENDANT,* n. In law, an obliging person who devotes his time and character to preserving property for his lawyer. [FT]
DEMAGOGUE,* n. A political opponent. [FT]
DENY,* v.t. See HURL BACK THE ALLEGATION. [FT]
DEPENDENT, adj. Reliant upon another's generosity for the support which you are not in a position to exact from his fears. [FT]
DEPOSIT,* n. A charitable contribution to the support of a bank. [FT]
DETECTIVE,* n. An official employed by the city and county to detect a crime when one has been committed. [FT]
DEXTRALITY, n. The state of being on the right side. See POLITICIAN.
you will always find me on the right side, sir; always! I cannot afford to get left! Gen. McComb[FT]
DIAMOND,* n. A worthless stone, too soft to be given to a beggar in place of bread and too small to knock him down with. [FT]
DICE,* n. Small polka-dotted cubes of ivory, constructed like a lawyer to lie on any side, but commonly on the wrong one. [FT]
DISHONESTY,* n. An important element of commercial success, to which the business colleges have not as yet accorded an honorable prominence in the curriculum, but have weakly substituted penmanship.
Dishonesty is the best policy. New Testament: St. Judas
Iscariot, IXL., 29
[FT]
DISINCORPORATION,* n. A popular method of eluding the agile liability and annexing the coy asset. [FT]
DISREPUTE,* n. The condition of a philosopher. The condition of a fool. The condition of a candidate. [FT]
DISTANCE, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs, and keep. [FT]
DIVORCE,* n. A resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.
DIVORCE,* n. A bugle blast that separates the combatants and makes them fight at long range. [FT]
ECONOMY,* n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford. [FT]
ELECTED,* adj. Chosen to discharge one duty and a hundred subordinates. [FT]
ELECTIONEER,* n. To stand on a platform and scream that Smith is a child of light and Jones a worm of the dust. [FT]
ELECTOR, n. One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man of another man's choice. [FT]
EMBEZZLE,* v. t. To protect property held in trust from the vicissitudes of a brief tenure and divided control. [FT]
ENCUMBRANCE,* n. That which makes property worthless without affecting its title. Another fellow's right to the inside of your pie. [FT]
EQUALITY,* n. In politics, an imaginary condition in which skulls are counted, instead of brains, and merit is determined by lot and punished by preferment. Pushed to its logical conclusion, the principle requires rotation in office and in the penitentiary. All men being equally entitled to a vote, are equally entitled to office, and equally subject to conviction. [FT]
ERIN,* n. The fountain of American political wisdom and principles of municipal government. [FT]
ERMINE,* n. The state, dignity or condition of a judge. The word is formed of the two words, err and mine - the one suggesting the tendency of a judicial mind, the other expressing, in a general way, the judicial notion of the rightful ownership to property in dispute. [FT]
ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.
So wide his erudition's mighty span,
He knew Creation's origin and plan
And only came by accident to grief -
He thought, poor man, 'twas right to be a thief.
Romach Pute
[FT]
ESTOPPEL,* n. In law, the kind of a stopple with which a man is corked up with his plea inside him. [FT]
EXECUTIVE, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it is to enforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the judicial department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of no effect. Following is an extract from an old book entitled, The Lunarian Astonished - Pfeiffer & Co., Boston, 1803:
LUNARIAN: Then when your Congress has passed a law it goes
directly to the Supreme Court in order that it may at once be
known whether it is constitutional?
TERRESTRIAN: O no; it does not require the approval of the
Supreme Court until having perhaps been enforced for many
years somebody objects to its operation against himself - I
mean his client. The President, if he approves it, begins to
execute it at once.
LUNARIAN: Ah, the executive power is a part of the legislative.
Do your policemen also have to approve the local ordinances
that they enforce?
TERRESTRIAN: Not yet - at least not in their character of
constables. Generally speaking, though, all laws require the
approval of those whom they are intended to restrain.
LUNARIAN: I see. The death warrant is not valid until signed by
the murderer.
TERRESTRIAN: My friend, you put it too strongly; we are not so
consistent.
LUNARIAN: But this system of maintaining an expensive judicial
machinery to pass upon the validity of laws only after they
have long been executed, and then only when brought before the
court by some private person - does it not cause great
confusion?
TERRESTRIAN: It does.
LUNARIAN: Why then should not your laws, previously to being
executed, be validated, not by the signature of your
President, but by that of the Chief Justice of the Supreme
Court?
TERRESTRIAN: There is no precedent for any such course.
LUNARIAN: Precedent. What is that?
TERRESTRIAN: It has been defined by five hundred lawyers in three
volumes each. So how can any one know?
[FT]
FABLE,* n. A brief lie intended to illustrate some important truth.
A statue of Eve and the apple was accosted by a hippopotamus on a show-bill. "Give men a bite of your apple," said the hippopotamus, "and see me smile." "I would," said Eve, making a rough estimate of the probable dimenions of the smile, "but I have promised a bite to the Mammoth Cave, another to the crater of Vesuvius, and a third to the interval between the lowest anthropoid Methodist and the most highly organized wooden Indian. I must be just before I am generous."This fable teaches that Justice and Generosity do not go hand in hand, the hand of Generosity being commonly thrust into the pocket of justice. [FT]
FATHER,* a. A quarter-master and commissary of subsistence provided by nature for our maintenace in the period before we have learned to live by prey. [FT]
FAULT,* n. One of my offenses, as distinguished from one of yours, the latter being crimes. [FT]
FAUNA,* n. A general name for the various beasts infesting any locality exclusive of domestic animals, travelling menageries and Democratic politicians. [FT]
FELON, n. A person of greater enterprise than discretion, who in embracing an opportunity has formed an unfortunate attachment. [FT]
FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.
The Maker, at Creation's birth,
With living things had stocked the earth.
From elephants to bats and snails,
They all were good, for all were males.
But when the Devil came and saw
He said: "By Thine eternal law
Of growth, maturity, decay,
These all must quickly pass away
And leave untenanted the earth
Unless Thou dost establish birth" -
Then tucked his head beneath his wing
To laugh - he had no sleeve - the thing
With deviltry did so accord,
That he'd suggested to the Lord.
The Master pondered this advice,
Then shook and threw the fateful dice
Wherewith all matters here below
Are ordered, and observed the throw;
Then bent His head in awful state,
Confirming the decree of Fate.
From every part of earth anew
The conscious dust consenting flew,
While rivers from their courses rolled
To make it plastic for the mould.
Enough collected (but no more,
For niggard Nature hoards her store)
He kneaded it to flexible clay,
While Nick unseen threw some away.
And then the various forms He cast,
Gross organs first and finer last;
No one at once evolved, but all
By even touches grew and small
Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade,
To match all living things He'd made
Females, complete in all their parts
Except (His clay gave out) the hearts.
"No matter," Satan cried; "with speed
I'll fetch the very hearts they need" -
So flew away and soon brought back
The number needed, in a sack.
That night earth range with sounds of strife -
Ten million males each had a wife;
That night sweet Peace her pinions spread
O'er Hell - ten million devils dead!
G.J.
[FT]
An artist's trick by which the Nude's Protected from the eyes of prudes, Which else with their peculiar flame Might scorch the canvas in its frame, Or melt the bronze, or burn to lime The marble, to efface his crime. For sparks are sometimes seen to dance Where falls a dame's offended glance, And little curls of smoke to rise From fingers veiling virgin eyes. O prudes I know ye, - once ye made In Frisco here a fool's tirade Against some casts from the antique Great, naked, natural and Greek, Whereto, ye flocked, a prurient crush, And diligently tried to blush, Half strangled in the vain attempt Till some one (may the wretch be hemped!) Depressed his lordly length of ear Your loud lubricity to hear, Then took his chisel up and dealt At Art a blow below the belt. Insulted, crimson with the shame Her cheeks aglow, her eyes aflame, The goddess spread her pinions bright, Sprang, and the town was left in night! Since then in vain the painter toils: His canvas still denies the oils. In vain with melancholy sighs His burin the engraver plies; Lines multiply beneath his hand, But what they mean none understand. With stubborn clay and unsubdued, The sculptor shapes his fancies crude, Unable to refine the work, And makes a god look like a Turk. To marble grown, or metal, still The monstrous image makes him ill, Till, crazed with rage, the damaged lot He breaks, or sells to Irving Scott.[FT]
FINANCE, n. The art or science of managing revenues and resources for the best advantage of the manager. The pronunciation of this word with the i long and the accent on the first syllable is one of America's most precious discoveries and possessions. [FT]
FLOP, v. Suddenly to change one's opinions and go over to another party. The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus, who has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some of our partisan journals. [FT]
FOOTPRINTS,* n. A pedestrian's impressions of the country. A thief's assertion that he has gone over the ground and is not open to conviction.
Lives of Oakland girls remind us We can't make our lives as fine, Not departing leave behind us Footprints 21 X 9. Longfellow[FT]
FORBIDDEN,* p.p. Invested with a new and irresistible charm. [FT]
FORGETFULNESS, n. A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience. [FT]
FORGIVENESS,* n. A stratagem to throw an offender off his guard and catch him red-handed in his next offence. [FT]
FORMA PAUPERIS, (Latin) In the character of a poor person - a method by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately permitted to lose his case.
When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court
(For Cupid ruled ere Adam was invented)
Sued for Eve's favor, says an ancient law report,
He stood and pleaded unhabilimented.
"You sue in forma pauperis, I see," Eve cried;
"Actions can't here be that way prosecuted."
So all poor Adam's motions coldly were denied:
He went away - as he had come - nonsuited.
G.J.
[FT]
FREEDOM, n. Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarly half dozen of restraint's infinite multitude of methods. A political condition that every nation supposes itself to enjoy in virtual monopoly. Liberty. The distinction between freedom and liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find a living specimen of either.
Freedom, as every schoolboy knows,
Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell;
On every wind, indeed, that blows
I hear her yell.
She screams whenever monarchs meet,
And parliaments as well,
To bind the chains about her feet
And toll her knell.
And when the sovereign people cast
The votes they cannot spell,
Upon the pestilential blast
Her clamors swell.
For all to whom the power's given
To sway or to compel,
Among themselves apportion Heaven
And give her Hell.
Blary O'Gary
[FT]
FREE-TRADE,* n. The unrestricted interchange of commodities between nations - not, it must be observed, between states or provinces of the same nation. That is an entirely different thing, so we are assured by those who oppose free-trade. although wherein the difference consists is not altogether clear to anybody else. To all but those with the better light it seems that what is sauce for the goose is sauce for any part of the goose, and if a number of states are profited by exclusion of foreign products, each would be benefited (and therefore all prosper) by exclusion of the products of the others. To those benighted persons, too, it appears that if high duties on imports are beneficial, their absolute exclusion by law would be more beneficial; and that the former commercial isolation of Japan and China must have been productive of the happiest results to their logical inhabitants, with the courage of their opinions. What defect the Protectionist sees in that system he has never had the goodness to explain - not even their great chief, the unspeakable scoundrel whose ingenious malevolence invented that peerless villainy, the custom house. See PROTECTION. [FT]
FUNCTIONARY,* n. A person entrusted with certain official duties. That great and good man, the late President Buchanan once unluckily mentioned himself with commendable satisfaction as "an old public functionary." The description fitted him like a skin and he wore it his grave. When he appeared at the Judgement Seat, and his case was called, the Recording Angel ran his finger down the index to the Book of Doom and read off the name: "James Buchanan, O.P.F." "What does that mean?" inquired the Court. And with the readiness of resource which in life had distinguished it from a garden slug, that truthful immortal part replied: "Oncommonly Phaultless filanthropist." Mr Buchanan was admitted to a seat in the Upper House. [FT]
GENEROUS, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest. [FT]
GEOGRAPHER, n. A chap who can tell you offhand the difference between the outside of the world and the inside.
Habeam, geographer of wide reknown,
Native of Abu-Keber's ancient town,
In passing thence along the river Zam
To the adjacent village of Xelam,
Bewildered by the multitude of roads,
Got lost, lived long on migratory toads,
Then from exposure miserably died,
And grateful travelers bewailed their guide.
Henry Haukhorn
[FT]
GOLD-BUG,* n. In political matters, a miscreant who has the wickedness to know that legislation cannot maintain a permament relation between the values of two metals, even by the luminous device of binding them together in the same coins. A miller who grinds the faces of the poor and takes the whole grist for toll. A hideous monster that disturbs the Bulletin's repose by sitting astride Deacon Fitch's stomach, picking the bones of "the debtor class" and blaspheming the dollar of our fathers. [FT]
GOOD, adj. Sensible, madam, to the worth of this present writer. Alive, sir, to the advantages of letting him alone. [FT]
GOVERNMENT,* n. A modern Chronos who devours his own children. The priesthood are charged with the duty of preparing them for his tooth. [FT]
GOVERNOR, n. An aspirant to the United States Senate. [FT]
GRAPESHOT, n. An argument which the future is preparing in answer to the demands of American Socialism. [FT]
GUILT,* n. The condition of one who is known to have committed an indiscretion, as distinguished from the state of him who has covered his tracks. [FT]
GULL,* v. t. To tell the sovereign people that if elected you will not steal. [FT]
HABEAS CORPUS,* n. A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail and asked how he likes it.
HABEAS CORPUS, n. A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when confined for the wrong crime. [FT]
HADES, n.
The lower world; the residence of departed spirits; the
place where the dead live.
Among the ancients the idea of Hades was not synonymous with our
Hell, many of the most respectable men of antiquity residing there in
a very comfortable kind of way. Indeed, the Elysian Fields themselves
were a part of Hades, though they have since been removed to Paris.
When the Jacobean version of the New Testament was in process of
evolution the pious and learned men engaged in the work insisted by a
majority vote on translating the Greek word "Aides" as "Hell"; but a
conscientious minority member secretly possessed himself of the record
and struck out the objectional word wherever he could find it. At the
next meeting, the Bishop of Salisbury, looking over the work, suddenly
sprang to his feet and said with considerable excitement: "Gentlemen,
somebody has been razing 'Hell' here!" Years afterward the good
prelate's death was made sweet by the reflection that he had been the
means (under Providence) of making an important, serviceable and
immortal addition to the phraseology of the English tongue.
[FT]
HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. [FT]
HARBOR, n. A place where ships taking shelter from stores are exposed to the fury of the customs. [FT]
HIRELING,* n. A mercenary wretch who serves another person for wages, as distinguished from the respectable functionary who receives a salary. [FT]
HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another - the classification is for advantage of the lawyers. [FT]
HONEST,* adj. Inflicted with an impedement in his dealing. [FT]
HONORABLE, adj. Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." [FT]
HOSPITALITY, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging. [FT]
HOST,* n. In popular usage, a man who in consideration of your weekly payments permits you to call yourself his guest. [FT]
HOUSELESS, adj. Having paid all taxes on household goods. [FT]
HOVEL, n. The fruit of a flower called the Palace.
Twaddle had a hovel,
Twiddle had a palace;
Twaddle said: "I'll grovel
Or he'll think I bear him malice" -
A sentiment as novel
As a castor on a chalice.
Down upon the middle
Of his legs fell Twaddle
And astonished Mr. Twiddle,
Who began to lift his noddle.
Feed upon the fiddle-
Faddle flummery, unswaddle
A new-born self-sufficiency and think himself a [mockery.]
G.J.
[FT]
HUNGER,* n. A peculiar disease afflicting all classes of mankind and commonly treated by dieting. It is observed that those who live in fine houses have it the lightest. This information is useful to chronic sufferers. [FT]
IMMACULATE,* adj. Not as yet spotted by the police. [FT]
IMPARTIAL, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions. [FT]
IMPECCABLE,* n. Not liable to detection. [FT]
IMPLACABLE,* adj. Not to be appeased without a large sum of money. [FT]
IMPORTER,* n. One of a class of miscreants whose business received from tariff legislation "the protection which vultures give to lambs." [FT]
IMPUNITY, n. Wealth. [FT]
INADMISSIBLE,* adj.
Not competent to be considered. Said of certain
kinds of testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to be
entrusted with, and which judges, therefore, rule out, even of
proceedings before themselves alone. Hearsay evidence is inadmissible
because the person quoted was unsworn and is not before the court for
examination; yet most momentous actions, military, political,
commercial and of every other kind, are daily undertaken on hearsay
evidence. There is no religion in the world that has any other basis
than hearsay evidence. Revelation is hearsay evidence; that the
Scriptures are the word of God we have only the testimony of men long
dead whose identity is not clearly established and who are not known
to have been sworn in any sense. Under the rules of evidence as they
now exist in this country, no single assertion in the Bible has in its
support any evidence admissible in a court of law. It cannot be
proved that the battle of Blenheim ever was fought, that there was
such as person as Julius Caesar, such an empire as Assyria.
But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily
be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were
a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which
certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a
flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it
were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was
ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery
for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human
testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
[FT]
INCIVISM,* n. A crime which consists in not wearing a handle.
"He's no good citizen!" the crowd Of politicians cries aloud. "How so?" says one. "Because - why, curse The man!! while we deplete his purse Some air contentedly he hums, or twiddles his incivic thumbs." "What more could you desire?" "The whelp! We want him to stand in and help." "Two crowds contend, his purse to twist?" Away - pray which should he assist?" "It matters not whose hand unsacks His shekels, for we all go snacks."[FT]
INCOME, n. The natural and rational gauge and measure of respectability, the commonly accepted standards being artificial, arbitrary and fallacious; for, as "Sir Sycophas Chrysolater" in the play has justly remarked, "the true use and function of property (in whatsoever it consisteth - coins, or land, or houses, or merchant- stuff, or anything which may be named as holden of right to one's own subservience) as also of honors, titles, preferments and place, and all favor and acquaintance of persons of quality or ableness, are but to get money. Hence it followeth that all things are truly to be rated as of worth in measure of their serviceableness to that end; and their possessors should take rank in agreement thereto, neither the lord of an unproducing manor, howsoever broad and ancient, nor he who bears an unremunerate dignity, nor yet the pauper favorite of a king, being esteemed of level excellency with him whose riches are of daily accretion; and hardly should they whose wealth is barren claim and rightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy." [FT]
INCONSIDERATE,* adj. Imperfectly attentive to the welfare, happiness, comfort or desires of others; as cholera, smallpox, the rattlesnake and the satirical newspaper. [FT]
INCORPORATION,* n. The act of uniting several persons into one fiction called a corporation, in order that they may be no longer responsible for their actions. A, B and C are a corporation. A robs, B steals and C (it is necessary that there be one gentleman in the concern) cheats. It is a plundering, thieving, swindling corporation. But A, B and C, who have jointly determined and severally executed every crime of the corporation, are blameless. It is wrong to mention them by name when censuring their acts as a corporation, but right when praising. Incorporation is somewhat like the ring of Gyges: it bestows the blessing of invisibility - comfortable to knaves. The scoundrel who invented incorporation is dead - he has disincorporated. [FT]
INCUMBENT, n. A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents. [FT]
INFRALAPSARIAN,* n. One who ventures to believe that Adam need not have sinned unless he had a mind to - in opposition to the Supralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person's fall was decreed from the beginning. Infralapsarians are sometimes called Sublapsarians without material effect upon the importance and lucidity of their views about Adam.
Two theologues once, as they wended their way
To chapel, engaged in colloquial fray -
An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall,
Concerning poor Adam and what made him fall.
"'Twas Predestination," cried one - "for the Lord
Decreed he should fall of his own accord."
"Not so - 'twas Free will," the other maintained,
"Which led him to choose what the Lord had ordained."
So fierce and so fiery grew the debate
That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could sate;
So off flew their cassocks and caps to the ground
And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round.
Ere either had proved his theology right
By winning, or even beginning, the fight,
A gray old professor of Latin came by,
A staff in his hand and a scowl in his eye,
And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still
As they clumsily sparred they disputed with skill
Of foreordination freedom of will)
Cried: "Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose:
Atwixt ye's no difference worthy of blows.
The sects ye belong to - I'm ready to swear
Ye wrongly interpret the names that they bear.
You - Infralapsarian son of a clown! -
Should only contend that Adam slipped down;
While you - you Supralapsarian pup! -
Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up.
It's all the same whether up or down
You slip on a peel of banana brown.
Even Adam analyzed not his blunder,
But thought he had slipped on a peal of thunder!
G.J.
[FT]
INGRATE, n. One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise an object of charity.
"All men are ingrates," sneered the cynic. "Nay,"
The good philanthropist replied;
"I did great service to a man one day
Who never since has cursed me to repay,
Nor vilified."
"Ho!" cried the cynic, "lead me to him straight -
With veneration I am overcome,
And fain would have his blessing." "Sad your fate -
He cannot bless you, for AI grieve to state
This man is dumb."
Ariel Selp
[FT]
INGRATITUDE,* n. A form of self-respect that is not inconsistent with acceptance of favours. [FT]
INJURY, n. An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight. [FT]
INNOCENCE,* n. The state or condition of a criminal whose counsel has fixed the jury.
"My client, gentlemen," the lawyer cried, "Is innocent as any babe unborn- As spotless as the snows upon the side Of giant Blanc or skyward Matterhorn. "What he steal hogs - this honorable youth? A thought so monstrous makes the angels weep! When that vile felony was wrought, in truth, My client was in jail for stealing sheep."[FT]
INSOLVENT,* adj. Destitute of property to pay just debts. Destitution of the will to pay them is not insolvency; it is commercial sagacity. [FT]
INSURRECTION, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government. [FT]
INTRODUCTION, n. A social ceremony invented by the devil for the gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies. The introduction attains its most malevolent development in this century, being, indeed, closely related to our political system. Every American being the equal of every other American, it follows that everybody has the right to know everybody else, which implies the right to introduce without request or permission. The Declaration of Independence should have read thus:
"We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are
created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with
certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, and
the right to make that of another miserable by thrusting
upon him an incalculable quantity of acquaintances; liberty,
particularly the liberty to introduce persons to one another
without first ascertaining if they are not already acquainted
as enemies; and the pursuit of another's happiness with a
running pack of strangers."
[FT]
ISTHMUS,* n. A canal site. A cemetery for capital. [FT]
JUDGE,* n. A person who is always interfering in disputes in which he has no personal interest. An official whose functions, as a great luminary recently informed a body of local law-students, very closely resemble those of God. The latter, however, is not afraid to punish Chris. Buckley for contempt, and the former has attained no great distinction as the hero of popular oaths. [FT]
JURISPRUDENCE,* n. The kind of prudence that keeps one inside the law [FT]
JUSTICE, n. A commodity which is a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service. [FT]
LABOR, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. [FT]
LAWFUL, adj. Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction. [FT]
LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law. [FT]
LEAGUE,* n. A union of two or more parties, factions or associations for promoting some purpose, commonly nefarious. [FT]
LEGISLATOR,* n. A person who goes to the capital of his country to increase his own; one who makes law and money. [FT]
LEISURE,* n. Lucid intervals in a disordered life.
THE JUDGE: You lazy dog! all industry you shirk As 'twere a crime - why don't you go to work? THE TOUGH CITIZEN: I'm always planning to, but, may it please your Honor, I do never get the leisure.[FT]
LEVELER,* n. The kind of political and social reformer who is more concerned to bring others down to his plane than to lift himself to theirs. [FT]
LIBERTY, n. One of Imagination's most precious possessions.
The rising People, hot and out of breath,
Roared around the palace: "Liberty or death!"
"If death will do," the King said,"let me reign;
You'll have, I'm sure, no reason to complain."
Martha Braymance
[FT]
LITIGANT, n. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones. [FT]
LOSS, n. Privation of that which we had, or had not. Thus, in the latter sense, it is said of a defeated candidate that he "lost his election"; and of that eminent man, the poet Gilder, that he has "lost his mind." It is in the former and more legitimate sense, that the word is used in the famous epitaph:
Here Huntington's ashes long have lain
Whose loss is our eternal gain,
For while he exercised all his powers
Whatever he gained, the loss was ours.
[FT]
MAGISTRATE,* n. A judicial officer of limited jurisdiction and unbounded incapacity. [FT]
MAMMON, n. The god of the world's leading religion. The chief temple is in the holy city of New York.
He swore that all other religions were gammon,
And wore out his knees in the worship of Mammon.
Jared Oopf
[FT]
MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.
When the world was young and Man was new,
And everything was pleasant,
Distinctions Nature never drew
'Mongst kings and priest and peasant.
We're not that way at present,
Save here in this Republic, where
We have that old regime,
For all are kings, however bare
Their backs, howe'er extreme
Their hunger. And, indeed, each has a voice
To accept the tyrant of his party's choice.
A citizen who would not vote,
And, therefore, was detested,
Was one day with a tarry coat
(With feathers backed and breasted)
By patriots invested.
"It is your duty," cried the crowd,
"Your ballot true to cast
For the man o' your choice." He humbly bowed,
And explained his wicked past:
"That's what I very gladly would have done,
Dear patriots, but he has never run."
Apperton Duke
[FT]
MARRIAGE,* n. A feminine device for imposing silence, whereby one woman is made to guard the good name of a dozen more. [FT]
MERCHANT, n. One engaged in a commercial pursuit. A commercial pursuit is one in which the thing pursued is a dollar. [FT]
MERCY, n. An attribute beloved of detected offenders. [FT]
MINE, adj. Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it. [FT]
MISDEMEANOR, n. An infraction of the law having less dignity than a felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal society.
By misdemeanors he essays to climb
Into the aristocracy of crime.
O, woe was him! - with manner chill and grand
"Captains of industry" refused his hand,
"Kings of finance" denied him recognition
And "railway magnates" jeered his low condition.
He robbed a bank to make himself respected.
They still rebuffed him, for he was detected.
S.V. Hanipur
[FT]
MONARCHICAL GOVERNMENT, n. Government. [FT]
MONEY, n. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it. An evidence of culture and a passport to polite society. Supportable property. [FT]
MONOMETALLIST,* n. A financial doctrinaire in 1896; in 1904 a purveyor of "crow" to the masses. [FT]
MORGANATIC,* adj. pertaining to a kind of marriage between a man of exalted rank and a woman of low degree by which the wife gets nothing but a husband, and not much of husband. From Morgan (J. P.), a kind of finance, by a transaction with whom nobody egts anything at all. [FT]
MUGWUMP, n. In politics one afflicted with self-respect and addicted to the vice of independence. A term of contempt. [FT]
MULTITUDE, n. A crowd; the source of political wisdom and virtue. In a republic, the object of the statesman's adoration. "In a multitude of consellors there is wisdom," saith the proverb. If many men of equal individual wisdom are wiser than any one of them, it must be that they acquire the excess of wisdom by the mere act of getting together. Whence comes it? Obviously from nowhere - as well say that a range of mountains is higher than the single mountains composing it. A multitude is as wise as its wisest member if it obey him; if not, it is no wiser than its most foolish. [FT]
NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party. [FT]
NOMINATE, v. To designate for the heaviest political assessment. To put forward a suitable person to incur the mudgobbling and deadcatting of the opposition. [FT]
NOMINEE, n. A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of private life and diligently seeking the honorable obscurity of public office. [FT]
NOSE, n. The extreme outpost of the face. From the circumstance that great conquerors have great noses, Getius, whose writings antedate the age of humor, calls the nose the organ of quell. It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of others, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. There's a man with a Nose, And wherever he goes The people run from him and shout: "No cotton have we For our ears if so be He blow that interminous snout!" So the lawyers applied For injunction. "Denied," Said the Judge: "the defendant prefixion, Whate'er it portend, Appears to transcend The bounds of this court's jurisdiction." Arpad Singiny [FT]
NUDITY,* n. The quality in art which is most painful to the prurient. [FT]
OATH, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the conscience by a penalty for perjury. [FT]
OPPOSE, v. To assist with obstructions and objections.
How lonely he who thinks to vex
With bandinage the Solemn Sex!
Of levity, Mere Man, beware;
None but the Grave deserve the Unfair.
Percy P. Orminder
[FT]
OPPOSITION,* n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from running amuck by hamstringing it.
The King of Ghargaroo, who had been abroad to study the science
of government, appointed one hundred of his fattest subjects as
members of a parliament to make laws for the collection of
revenue. Forty of these he named the Party of Opposition and had
his Prime Minister carefully instruct them in their duty of
opposing every royal measure. Nevertheless, the first one that
was submitted passed unanimously. Greatly displeased, the King
vetoed it, informing the Opposition that if they did that again
they would pay for their obstinacy with their heads. The entire
forty promptly disemboweled themselves.
"What shall we do now?" the King asked. "Liberal institutions
cannot be maintained without a party of Opposition."
"Splendor of the universe," replied the Prime Minister, "it
is true these dogs of darkness have no longer their credentials,
but all is not lost. Leave the matter to this worm of the dust."
So the Minister had the bodies of his Majesty's Opposition
embalmed and stuffed with straw, put back into the seats of
power and nailed there. Forty votes were recorded against every
bill and the nation prospered. But one day a bill imposing a tax
on warts was defeated - the members of the Government party had
not been nailed to their seats! This so enraged the King that the
Prime Minister was put to death, the parliament was dissolved
with a battery of artillery, and government of the people, by the
people, for the people perished from Ghargaroo.
[FT]
OWE, n. To have (and to hold) a debt. The word formerly signified not indebtedness, but possession; it meant "own," and in the minds of debtors there is still a good deal of confusion between assets and liabilities. [FT]
PANDEMONIUM, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a lecture hall by the Audible Reformer. When disturbed by his voice the ancient echoes clamor appropriate responses most gratifying to his pride of distinction. [FT]
PARDON, v. To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime. To add to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude. [FT]
PENITENT, adj. Undergoing or awaiting punishment. [FT]
PERSUASION,* n. A species of hypnotism in which the oral suggestion takes the hindering form of argument or appeal. In the legislative body of the future, votes will be won, as now, by hypnotic suggestion, but there will be no darkening of counsel and impeding of the public business by debate; opposition will be stared into assent. [FT]
PETTIFOGGER,* n. A competing or opposing lawyer. [FT]
PHILANTHROPIST, n. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket [FT]
PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy of opponent after an imaginary encounter with oneself. [FT]
PLEBISCITE, n. A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign. [FT]
PLUNDER, v. To take the property of another without observing the decent and customary reticences of theft. To effect a change of ownership with the candid concomitance of a brass band. To wrest the wealth of A from B and leave C lamenting a vanishing opportunity. [FT]
PLUTOCRACY,* n. A republican form of government deriving its powers from the conceit of the governed - in thinking they govern. [FT]
POLICE, n. An armed force for protection and participation. [FT]
POLITICIAN, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. [FT]
POLITICS,* n. pl. A means of livelihood affected by the more degraded portion of our criminal classes.
POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a conquest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. [FT]
POPULIST, n. A fossil patriot of the early agricultural period, found in the old red soapstone underlying Kansas; characterized by an uncommon spread of ear, which some naturalists contend gave him the power of flight, though Professors Morse and Whitney, pursuing independent lines of thought, have ingeniously pointed out that had he possessed it he would have gone elsewhere. In the picturesque speech of his period, some fragments of which have come down to us, he was known as "The Matter with Kansas." [FT]
PORT,* n. A place where ships taking shelter from storms are shattered by customs officers. [FT]
PORTABLE,* adj. The costume of a burlesque actress.
PORTABLE, adj. Exposed to a mutable ownership through vicissitudes of possession.
His light estate, if neither he did make it
Nor yet its former guardian forsake it,
Is portable improperly, I take it.
Worgum Slupsky
[FT]
POSSESSION,* n. An advantage that accrues to A by denial of the rights of B to take the property of C [FT]
POSSESSION,* n. The whole of the law. [FT]
POSSIBLE,* adj. Everything, to him who has patience - and money. [FT]
POSTERITY,* n. A racewho are going to reap the wild oats which the world is now sowing.
POSTERITY, n. An appellate court which reverses the judgment of a popular author's contemporaries, the appellant being his obscure competitor. [FT]
PRECEDENT, n. In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, in the absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority a Judge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task of doing as he pleases. As there are precedents for everything, he has only to ignore those that make against his interest and accentuate those in the line of his desire. Invention of the precedent elevates the trial-at-law from the low estate of a fortuitous ordeal to the noble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament. [FT]
PREJUDICE, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. [FT]
PREPOSTEROUS,* n. The idea that murder is a crime. [FT]
PRESIDENCY, n. The greased pig in the field game of American politics. [FT]
PRESIDENT,* n. A temporary chief, elected by the leaders of a party of political bandits, for the purpose of dividing the spoils amongst them. [FT]
PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom - and of whom only - it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President.
If that's an honor surely 'tis a greater
To have been a simple and undamned spectator.
Behold in me a man of mark and note
Whom no elector e'er denied a vote! -
An undiscredited, unhooted gent
Who might, for all we know, be President
By acclimation. Cheer, ye varlets, cheer -
I'm passing with a wide and open ear!
Jonathan Fomry
[FT]
PRESS,* n. A mighty magnifying machine which, by the aid of "we" and printer's ink, changes the squeak of a mouse into the roar of a lion, on whose utterances the nation (presumably) hangs with bated breath. [FT]
PRIMARY,* n. A political pot, from which the fire of corruption has long since evaporated the good soup, leaving nothing but scum. [FT]
PRISON,* n. A third-class boarding house for temporary lunatics whose friends can't afford to get them into a high-toned establishment.
PRISON, n. A place of punishments and rewards. The poet assures us that -
"Stone walls do not a prison make,"
but a combination of the stone wall, the political parasite and the
moral instructor is no garden of sweets.
[FT]
PRIVATION, n. Having nothing to grumble at. [FT]
PRIVILEGE,* n. Being allowed to breathe, without bribing someone first. [FT]
PRODUCIBLE,* n. Evidence as to a murderer's good moral character. [FT]
PRODUCTIVE,* n. A tramp's blanket. [FT]
PROMISCUOUS,* adj. San Francisco society [FT]
PROMISE,* n. This and good advice make an excellent gift, which we can all afford to give to the poor. [FT]
PROPERTY,* n. The distinction between a whisky-drinking tramp and a champagne- guzzling millionaire.
PROPERTY, n. Any material thing, having no particular value, that may be held by A against the cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the passion for possession in one and disappoints it in all others. The object of man's brief rapacity and long indifference. [FT]
PROTECTION,* n. A policy which keeps our poor New England manufacturers from ruin, and saves their employers from the sad necessity of making homes for themselves. [FT]
PRURIENCY,* n. (See POLICE GAZETTE.) [FT]
PUBLIC,* n. The negligble factor in problems of legislation
PUBLIC,* n. pl. An undefined number of private persons [FT]
PUNISHMENT,* n. A weapon which Justice has almost forgotten how to use. [FT]
PURIFICATION,* n. A process that we hope to be beyond smelling range of, when it is applied to American politics. [FT]
PUZZLE,* n. The meshes of the law. [FT]
QUALIFICATION, n.* Being a cousin of the President's tailor. [FT]
QUANTITY,* n. A good substitute for quality, when you are hungry. [FT]
QUORUM, n. A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to have their own way and their own way of having it. In the United States Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on Finance and a messenger from the White House; in the House of Representatives, of the Speaker and the devil. [FT]
RABBLE, n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority tempered by fraudulent elections. The rabble is like the sacred Simurgh, of Arabian fable - omnipotent on condition that it do nothing. (The word is Aristocratese, and has no exact equivalent in our tongue, but means, as nearly as may be,"soaring swine.") [FT]
RADICALISM, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the affairs of to-day. [FT]
RAMSHACKLE, adj. Pertaining to a certain order of architecture, otherwise known as the Normal American. Most of the public buildings of the United States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of our earlier architects preferred the Ironic. Recent additions to the White House in Washington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order of the Dorians. They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars a brick. [FT]
RASCAL, n. A fool considered under another aspect. [FT]
REACH, n. The radius of action of the human hand. The area within which it is possible (and customary) to gratify directly the propensity to provide.
This is a truth, as old as the hills,
That life and experience teach:
The poor man suffers that keenest of ills,
An impediment of his reach.
G.J.
[FT]
REBEL, n. A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish it. [FT]
RECOMPENSE, n. Ingratitude. [FT]
RECOUNT, n. In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded to the player against whom they are loaded. [FT]
RECRUIT, n. A person distinguishable from a civilian by his uniform and from a soldier by his gait.
Fresh from the farm or factory or street,
His marching, in pursuit or in retreat,
Were an impressive martial spectacle
Except for two impediments - his feet.
Thompson Johnson
[FT]
REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion. [FT]
RELAXATION,* n. Figuring up to-morrow's profits, after you have finished working out to-day's losses. [FT]
REMOTE,* adj. The day when merit will be in more demand than money. [FT]
REMUNERATIVE,* adj. Stealing goods at wholesale and selling them at retail. [FT]
RENT,* n. An outrage, imposed by blood-sucking vampires on virtuous sons of toil. [FT]
REPARATION, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt in committing it. [FT]
REPENTANCE,* n. A sentiment which rarely troubles people until they begin to suffer.
REPENTANCE, n. The faithful attendant and follower of Punishment. It is usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is not inconsistent with continuity of sin.
Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell,
You will repent and join the Church, Parnell?
How needless! - Nick will keep you off the coals
And add you to the woes of other souls.
Jomater Abemy
[FT]
REPRESENTATIVE,* n. A gentleman who looks after the interests of his constituents - when they don't conflict with his own.
REPRESENTATIVE, n. In national politics, a member of the Lower House in this world, and without discernible hope of promotion in the next. [FT]
REPUBLIC,* n. A form of government in which equal justice is administered to all who can pay for it.
REPUBLIC, n. A nation in which, the thing governing and the thing governed being the same, there is only a permitted authority to enforce an optional obedience. In a republic, the foundation of public order is the ever lessening habit of submission inherited from ancestors who, being truly governed, submitted because they had to. There are as many kinds of republics as there are graduations between the despotism whence they came and the anarchy whither they lead. [FT]
REPUBLICAN,* n. A man who takes for granted everything Grant did. [FT]
RESOURCES,* n. pl. The chief proudction of California, next to her climate. [FT]
RESPECTABLE,* adj. Term used to designate some people who live outside the Pacific Coast. [FT]
RESPITE, n. A suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin, to enable the Executive to determine whether the murder may not have been done by the prosecuting attorney. Any break in the continuity of a disagreeable expectation.
Altgeld upon his incandescend bed
Lay, an attendant demon at his head.
"O cruel cook, pray grant me some relief -
Some respite from the roast, however brief."
"Remember how on earth I pardoned all
Your friends in Illinois when held in thrall."
"Unhappy soul! for that alone you squirm
O'er fire unquenched, a never-dying worm.
"Yet, for I pity your uneasy state,
Your doom I'll mollify and pains abate.
"Naught, for a season, shall your comfort mar,
Not even the memory of who you are."
Throughout eternal space dread silence fell;
Heaven trembled as Compassion entered Hell.
"As long, sweet demon, let my respite be
As, governing down here, I'd respite thee."
"As long, poor soul, as any of the pack
You thrust from jail consumed in getting back."
A genial chill affected Altgeld's hide
While they were turning him on t'other side.
Joel Spate Woop
[FT]
RESTITUTION, n. The founding or endowing of universities and public libraries by gift or bequest. [FT]
RESTITUTOR, n. Benefactor; philanthropist.
RETALIATION, n. The natural rock upon which is reared the Temple of Law. [FT]
REVERSIBLE,* adj. A political platform. [FT]
REVOLUTION,* n. A bursting of the boilers which usually takes place when the safety valve of public discussion is closed.
REVOLUTION, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. Specifically, in American history, the substitution of the rule of an Administration for that of a Ministry, whereby the welfare and happiness of the people were advanced a full half-inch. Revolutions are usually accompanied by a considerable effusion of blood, but are accounted worth it - this appraisement being made by beneficiaries whose blood had not the mischance to be shed. The French revolution is of incalculable value to the Socialist of to-day; when he pulls the string actuating its bones its gestures are inexpressibly terrifying to gory tyrants suspected of fomenting law and order. [FT]
RIDDLE,* n. Who elects our rulers? [FT]
ROBBER, n. Vulgar name for one who is successful in obtaining the property of others.
ROBBER, n. A candid man of affairs.
It is related of Voltaire that one night he and some traveling
companion lodged at a wayside inn. The surroundings were
suggestive, and after supper they agreed to tell robber stories
in turn. "Once there was a Farmer-General of the Revenues."
Saying nothing more, he was encouraged to continue. "That," he
said, "is the story."
[FT]
ROSTRUM, n. In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a ship. In America, a place from which a candidate for office energetically expounds the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble. [FT]
ROT,* n. Sand-lot oratory. [FT]
RUIN,* n. What our millionaires are coming to if they have to pay taxes. [FT]
RUIN, v. To destroy. Specifically, to destroy a maid's belief in the virtue of maids.
RUSTY,* n. The Sword of Justice. [FT]
SAFE,* n. To bet that the Kalloch duty will disagree. [FT]
SAFETY-CLUTCH, n. A mechanical device acting automatically to prevent the fall of an elevator, or cage, in case of an accident to the hoisting apparatus.
Once I seen a human ruin
In an elevator-well,
And his members was bestrewin'
All the place where he had fell.
And I says, apostrophisin'
That uncommon woful wreck:
"Your position's so surprisin'
That I tremble for your neck!"
Then that ruin, smilin' sadly
And impressive, up and spoke:
"Well, I wouldn't tremble badly,
For it's been a fortnight broke."
Then, for further comprehension
Of his attitude, he begs
I will focus my attention
On his various arms and legs -
How they all are contumacious;
Where they each, respective, lie;
How one trotter proves ungracious,
T'other one an alibi.
These particulars is mentioned
For to show his dismal state,
Which I wasn't first intentioned
To specifical relate.
None is worser to be dreaded
That I ever have heard tell
Than the gent's who there was spreaded
In that elevator-well.
Now this tale is allegoric -
It is figurative all,
For the well is metaphoric
And the feller didn't fall.
I opine it isn't moral
For a writer-man to cheat,
And despise to wear a laurel
As was gotten by deceit.
For 'tis Politics intended
By the elevator, mind,
It will boost a person splendid
If his talent is the kind.
Col. Bryan had the talent
(For the busted man is him)
And it shot him up right gallant
Till his head begun to swim.
Then the rope it broke above him
And he painful come to earth
Where there's nobody to love him
For his detrimented worth.
Though he's livin' none would know him,
Or at leastwise not as such.
Moral of this woful poem:
Frequent oil your safety-clutch.
Porfer Poog
[FT]
SAND,* n. Something that writers of anonymous letters to newspapers do not possess. [FT]
One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes, repented in sashcloth
and axes. Being instated as an archangel, Satan made himself
multifariously objectionable and was finally expelled from Heaven.
Halfway in his descent he paused, bent his head in thought a
moment and at last went back. "There is one favor that I should
like to ask," said he.
"Name it."
"Man, I understand, is about to be created. He will need laws."
"What, wretch! you his appointed adversary, charged from the
dawn of eternity with hatred of his soul - you ask for the right
to make his laws?"
"Pardon; what I have to ask is that he be permitted to make them
himself."
It was so ordered.
[FT]
SCARIFICATION, n. A form of penance practised by the mediaeval pious. The rite was performed, sometimes with a knife, sometimes with a hot iron, but always, says Arsenius Asceticus, acceptably if the penitent spared himself no pain nor harmless disfigurement. Scarification, with other crude penances, has now been superseded by benefaction. The founding of a library or endowment of a university is said to yield to the penitent a sharper and more lasting pain than is conferred by the knife or iron, and is therefore a surer means of grace. There are, however, two grave objections to it as a penitential method: the good that it does and the taint of justice. [FT]
SENATE, n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors. [FT]
SENATOR,* n. The fortunate bidder in an auction of votes. [FT]
SEQUESTRATE,* v. A legal term for robbing the under dog in the fight. [FT]
SHADOW,* n. What is left of Justice in San Francisco. [FT]
SHAME, n. That men whose talents are worth nothing in the open market should be paid eight dollars a day for confusing legislation in Sacramento. [FT]
SHAMROCK,* n. A trefoil which is more potent in politics than "the sword of Bunker Hill." [FT]
SORCERY, n. The ancient prototype and forerunner of political influence. It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimes was punished by torture and death. Augustine Nicholas relates that a poor peasant who had been accused of sorcery was put to the torture to compel a confession. After enduring a few gentle agonies the suffering simpleton admitted his guilt, but naively asked his tormentors if it were not possible to be a sorcerer without knowing it. [FT]
SUFFRAGE, n. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means, as commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of another man's choice, and is highly prized. Refusal to do so has the bad name of "incivism." The incivilian, however, cannot be properly arraigned for his crime, for there is no legitimate accuser. If the accuser is himself guilty he has no standing in the court of opinion; if not, he profits by the crime, for A's abstention from voting gives greater weight to the vote of B. By female suffrage is meant the right of a woman to vote as some man tells her to. It is based on female responsibility, which is somewhat limited. The woman most eager to jump out of her petticoat to assert her rights is first to jump back into it when threatened with a switching for misusing them. [FT]
SYMBOLIC, adj. Pertaining to symbols and the use and interpretation of symbols.
They say 'tis conscience feels compunction;
I hold that that's the stomach's function,
For of the sinner I have noted
That when he's sinned he's somewhat bloated,
Or ill some other ghastly fashion
Within that bowel of compassion.
True, I believe the only sinner
Is he that eats a shabby dinner.
You know how Adam with good reason,
For eating apples out of season,
Was "cursed." But that is all symbolic:
The truth is, Adam had the colic.
G.J.
[FT]
TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.
The Enemy of Human Souls
Sat grieving at the cost of coals;
For Hell had been annexed of late,
And was a sovereign Southern State.
"It were no more than right," said he,
"That I should get my fuel free.
The duty, neither just nor wise,
Compels me to economize -
Whereby my broilers, every one,
Are execrably underdone.
What would they have? - although I yearn
To do them nicely to a turn,
I can't afford an honest heat.
This tariff makes even devils cheat!
I'm ruined, and my humble trade
All rascals may at will invade:
Beneath my nose the public press
Outdoes me in sulphureousness;
The bar ingeniously applies
To my undoing my own lies;
My medicines the doctors use
(Albeit vainly) to refuse
To me my fair and rightful prey
And keep their own in shape to pay;
The preachers by example teach
What, scorning to perform, I teach;
And statesmen, aping me, all make
More promises than they can break.
Against such competition I
Lift up a disregarded cry.
Since all ignore my just complaint,
By Hokey-Pokey! I'll turn saint!"
Now, the Republicans, who all
Are saints, began at once to bawl
Against his competition; so
There was a devil of a go!
They locked horns with him, tête-à-tête
In acrimonious debate,
Till Democrats, forlorn and lone,
Had hopes of coming by their own.
That evil to avert, in haste
The two belligerents embraced;
But since 'twere wicked to relax
A tittle of the Sacred Tax,
'Twas finally agreed to grant
The bold Insurgent-protestant
A bounty on each soul that fell
Into his ineffectual Hell.
Edam Smith
[FT]
TENACITY, n. A certain quality of the human hand in its relation to the coin of the realm. It attains its highest development in the hand of authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career in politics. The following illustrative lines were written of a Californian gentleman in high political preferment, who has passed to his accounting:
Of such tenacity his grip
That nothing from his hand can slip.
Well-buttered eels you may o'erwhelm
In tubs of liquid slippery-elm
In vain - from his detaining pinch
They cannot struggle half an inch!
'Tis lucky that he so is planned
That breath he draws not with his hand,
For if he did, so great his greed
He'd draw his last with eager speed.
Nay, that were well, you say. Not so
He'd draw but never let it go!
[FT]
TRIAL, n. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors. In order to effect this purpose it is necessary to supply a contrast in the person of one who is called the defendant, the prisoner, or the accused. If the contrast is made sufficiently clear this person is made to undergo such an affliction as will give the virtuous gentlemen a comfortable sense of their immunity, added to that of their worth. In our day the accused is usually a human being, or a socialist, but in mediaeval times, animals, fishes, reptiles and insects were brought to trial. A beast that had taken human life, or practiced sorcery, was duly arrested, tried and, if condemned, put to death by the public executioner. Insects ravaging grain fields, orchards or vineyards were cited to appeal by counsel before a civil tribunal, and after testimony, argument and condemnation, if they continued in contumaciam the matter was taken to a high ecclesiastical court, where they were solemnly excommunicated and anathematized. In a street of Toledo, some pigs that had wickedly run between the viceroy's legs, upsetting him, were arrested on a warrant, tried and punished. In Naples and ass was condemned to be burned at the stake, but the sentence appears not to have been executed. D'Addosio relates from the court records many trials of pigs, bulls, horses, cocks, dogs, goats, etc., greatly, it is believed, to the betterment of their conduct and morals. In 1451 a suit was brought against the leeches infesting some ponds about Berne, and the Bishop of Lausanne, instructed by the faculty of Heidelberg University, directed that some of "the aquatic worms" be brought before the local magistracy. This was done and the leeches, both present and absent, were ordered to leave the places that they had infested within three days on pain of incurring "the malediction of God." In the voluminous records of this cause célèbre nothing is found to show whether the offenders braved the punishment, or departed forthwith out of that inhospitable jurisdiction. [FT]
TRUST, n. In American politics, a large corporation composed in greater part of thrifty working men, widows of small means, orphans in the care of guardians and the courts, with many similar malefactors and public enemies. [FT]
UXORIOUSNESS, n. A perverted affection that has strayed to one's own wife. [FT]
VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country. [FT]
WALL STREET, n. A symbol for sin for every devil to rebuke. That Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven. Even the great and good Andrew Carnegie has made his profession of faith in the matter.
Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call
To battle: "The brokers are parasites all!"
Carnegie, Carnegie, you'll never prevail;
Keep the wind of your slogan to belly your sail,
Go back to your isle of perpetual brume,
Silence your pibroch, doff tartan and plume:
Ben Lomond is calling his son from the fray -
Fly, fly from the region of Wall Street away!
While still you're possessed of a single baubee
(I wish it were pledged to endowment of me)
'Twere wise to retreat from the wars of finance
Lest its value decline ere your credit advance.
For a man 'twixt a king of finance and the sea,
Carnegie, Carnegie, your tongue is too free!
Anonymus Bink
[FT]
WHITE, adj. and n. Black. [FT]
ZENITH, n. The point in the heavens directly overhead to a man standing or a growing cabbage. A man in bed or a cabbage in the pot is not considered as having a zenith, though from this view of the matter there was once a considerably dissent among the learned, some holding that the posture of the body was immaterial. These were called Horizontalists, their opponents, Verticalists. The Horizontalist heresy was finally extinguished by Xanobus, the philosopher-king of Abara, a zealous Verticalist. Entering an assembly of philosophers who were debating the matter, he cast a severed human head at the feet of his opponents and asked them to determine its zenith, explaining that its body was hanging by the heels outside. Observing that it was the head of their leader, the Horizontalists hastened to profess themselves converted to whatever opinion the Crown might be pleased to hold, and Horizontalism took its place among fides defuncti. [FT]
Andrew Graham Keele University
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